Fake TV Listings

TV review: Whose Penis Is This?

Channel 5, 9 PM

The watershed may be enough to protect programmes of artistic depictions of human genitalia, but it seems as though it will not be enough to protect the new Channel 5 reality show, Whose Penis Is This?

It seems as though every channel has to provide some sort of edgy non-fiction TV. The BBC took a lot of controversy with its abortion-supporting, atheist scum advocating documentary on BBC2, Civilisation. Channel 4’s reality show Coach Trip featured Bob Geldof’s career as one of the poor participants in the tin can trip to Benidorm. ITV4’s low-budget reality show about working life in the Royal Bank of Scotland was fascinating and depressing, as we all felt so sorry for the traders who didn’t get a large bonus. Channel 5 is next, with a programme so grotesque yet anatomically correct. As a liberal writer who freelances for The Guardian, I have lots of friends, so I asked them what they thought of the show so I didn’t have to write so much in this review. They all thought the same way. Imagine it as Hole in the Wall - which it is, in some sick sense. Do watch it, even if it’s not in HD on Freeview.

Reviewer Joshua Urban Middle Name Caley freelances for The Guardian because he hasn’t got a proper university degree.

TV Listings for 19 January, 2012

TVOntario:

The groundbreaking Canadian documentary series about a garbage collector in Brampton, Natural Born Collectors continues in its final season, because everything TVOntario touches turns pretentious. (9 PM, HD). Followed by the brand new season of Whitechapel, and by new we mean three years old. In tonight’s episode, DI Chandler solves the case of the burnt toast. (10 PM, followed by the ITV making-of, 11 PM, HD).

PBS:

Get ready for an hour of laughter with the reboot of NewsHour. Jim Lehrer stars as the hapless anchorman who delivers you 60 minutes (well, 56 minutes) of comedy with clips of Afghan war explosions and techno beats in the background. New late-night slot (10 PM) is followed by Last of the Summer Vine (11 PM, HD). Blamire starts engaging in sado-masochistic sexual acts. Then it’s the midnight slot, with a repeat of Downton Abbey (12 AM). How will the house deal with the shocking revelation that Sybil has a vagina?

NRK3:

On the Norweigian public broadcaster, primetime begins at 8 PM with the repeat of Top Gear that everyone in the world has seen. Jeremy Clarkson insults most of Belgium while James May calls him a pillock. (If you watch it in dubbed audio, it’s just slurring.) Then in case you didn’t realise your licence fee was being wasted, it’s imported ITV snorefest Primeval (9 PM). The dinosaurs aren’t real.

TV Listings for 18 January, 2012

ABC1:

Convicted felon Jesus Christ returns from the dead in a special 2-hour interview, produced in co-operation with the BBC, Danmarks Radio, NHK and the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting. He talks to feisty Anne Robinson about his time spent in heaven, his relationship with his family and how he feels about Jews on Jesus Christ Speaks Out. Doesn’t clarify the whole fish thing though. (8 PM) Then it’s off to China where massive racist Nick Griffin visits China in this fascinating fly-on-the-wall documentary and travel programme, Twat in China. Spoiler alert: he decides to just eat Quavers he has packed in his bag. (10 PM, repeats 1 AM on ABC2)

CBC:

In order to justify value for money, the CBC spends half its budget on one episode of Republic of Doyle, where Doyle sets fire to a house and drinks scotch while his friends speak in thick accents. (9 PM) Then it’s The National, where in a bid to attrack younger audiences, Peter Mansbridge will do the entire programme dressed as Hitler (10 PM). Afterwards it’s the wildly successful Canadian take on Japanese game shows, where each participant is forced to sing Stevie Wonder songs from memory while a cattle prod is shoved up their butt whenever they go off key. (11 PM, available in 3D, ask your cable or satellite provider)

TV Listings for 17 January, 2012

DR1:

Cheap imported garbage comes to the Danish national public broadcaster in the form of The Office, series four. Michael buys a stapler and Dwight does something seen as racist but soon the misunderstanding is cleared. (7 PM, also on DR HD) Coming up is the hard-hitting documentary from the Danmarks Radio current affairs unit, Cars That Go Around a Track Really Quickly. A brief history about cars that go around tracks really quickly, featuring interviews with the top celebrities in this murky underworld including Max Mosley. Not suitable for children. Then at 9 PM it’s the flagship news broadcast, TV Avisen. On this episode, a crane fishes a boat out of the ocean, the government passes a law banning fake TV listings and the army invades Spain. (also on DR HD, DR Update and DR Kids)